Be a Blessing

9/27/12

              Lately one of my prayers is that God would allow me to be a blessing to someone each day. Since I was diagnosed with cancer and then healed that has been something that has really been laid on my heart. I really have a passion for helping others more than I ever have before. Just the other day I had a lady at work ask me about my surgeon at UNC. She explained how she has a friend who was just diagnosed with tongue cancer and he is looking for a surgeon to do his operation. God blessed me with such an amazing surgeon at UNC and I would recommend him to anyone. I gave her Dr. Weisler’s information and I told her some of my own personal experiences from dealing with tongue cancer that she could relate to her friend in hopes that would help him in his upcoming days of uncertainty. I felt like that day that was how I blessed someone. Sometimes those small instances matter so much.

                 This morning at speech therapy my therapist began telling me how she had used me as an example earlier that morning. She had told another patient how much I had improved since beginning therapy and how I had went through tongue cancer, surgery and now my voice is finally recovering. The patient she was referring to was a woman who had recently been diagnosed with tongue cancer but wasn’t going to have surgery because she didn’t want it to affect her speech.  At first I was a little confused because based on my understanding the first step in treating tongue cancer is always surgery to remove the tumor, so I asked my therapist, “They gave her the option?” Then Kelly, my therapist, goes on to explain that I was right, surgery is always the first step and that the doctor basically told her he could either call a surgeon for her or he could call hospice because tongue cancer will kill you. She said the patient was pretty much in denial, that the cancer would just go away and she wasn’t going to risk having the surgery and it harming her speech. This blew my mind! Kelly also went on to tell me that this woman’s case was less severe than mine was and that her tumor was even smaller than mine had been. At this point, I hate to admit it, but I was getting really aggravated at this woman who I don’t even know! How could she be so ignorant and ungrateful? My doctor told me that one week would have made a difference, and here she is lucky enough to have found her tumor while it is still smaller than mine was, and she is wasting time debating on which is more important, her speech or her life! This really upset me that someone would even think this way! Finally I realized that what I need to do about this situation is pray. I need to pray that God will give her clarity about the severity of this situation before it gets too late. I pray that she will realize sooner rather than later that surgery can save her life and that like me, she can regain her speech. She just needs to have faith. Maybe she isn’t a Christian and that is why she is having such a difficult time with this, if so, then that is something else that needs to be prayed about, that through this she will come to know the Lord and she will find comfort and peace from Him during the difficult days ahead. I also pray that what Kelly told this woman about me today will stick with her and that God will use it to persuade her into having the surgery. I hope that my story will help her and encourage her…another way that God will use my past situation to bless someone else!

New Beginnings

8/20/12
         Today was my first day of classes and nothing has been going as planned which made me second guess my decision. I couldn’t help but think if it is meant to be then why aren’t things working out? Everything seemed to be going wrong and I was feeling so stressed and confused. Well this afternoon as I was driving back to school for the second time today I started thinking, “If tomorrow I found out that my cancer was back I would be wishing something this petty was my only worry.” That was such a reality check! I realized how in the long run I was being so ridiculous and I should be grateful that this minor issue is the only thing I have to “stress” about. It made me feel horrible for letting the little things get the best of me and forgetting how blessed I really am. I had to pray for forgiveness and thank God once again for His mercy, His miracles, and His healing.

8/28/12
       Today was my first day of speech therapy at Gibbs Cancer Center. I left therapy with very mixed emotions. I am very thankful that I have finally healed enough to finally begin therapy and start working towards improving my speech, but on the other hand, therapy was very different than I expected it to be. My therapist is very sweet and encouraging, but the whole experience was a lot to take in. I couldn’t help but think about why I was even there...flashbacks of all I had been through that has led up to this.  Also, the direct concentration on my impaired speech made me sad. Of course it made me feel frustrated, but sad more than anything. There were several times when I felt my eyes well up with tears and I had to fight to keep myself from breaking down and crying. Jenna, she’s NOT that kind of therapist! HA! I just had to remind myself that this was a step in the right direction, soon my voice will be better and it will all be worth it. I also have to keep telling myself that God healed me from cancer and I have faith that He will also restore my speech!

9/9/12

      This morning was my third day of speech therapy and thankfully today was the first time I didn’t find myself getting upset or frustrated. I actually left therapy in a good mood, feeling encouraged and feeling like I was actually making progress. Being able to see (well, hear) the improvements caused by speech therapy is such motivation for me to keep practicing my speech exercises and keep a positive attitude. I am so thankful! Once again the Lord is performing a miracle in my life!

Where God is Leading Me

8/15/12

         Today I signed up to go back to school. College round 2. Who would’ve thought? After I graduated college over a year ago with a Bachelor’s degree in communications I never thought I would have the desire to go back to school, but this time I am going with more purpose, determination, and passion than I ever had in my first four years. I know without a doubt this is God’s plan for my life and even though I took some time to think and pray about this decision, I clearly remember several instances of God speaking to me. The first time I was sitting in the waiting room of the chemo therapy doctor and I was talking to mama about how all these doctors and nurses at UNC were helping me. I started crying just talking about it. I knew then that was something I wanted for my life. I wanted to be able to give to someone else what these doctors and nurses were giving to me. I wanted a career that really made a difference. Later that very same day as I was walking through the cancer hospital in Chapel Hill I saw/met three patients that really got my attention. The first was a little boy, probably only around 6 years old, who was going into the radiologist department. He seemed upbeat, like a typical little boy, but I could tell he was a patient. I remember he was wearing some kind of hat covering up the fact that he had lost his hair, so he must have been on chemo as well as radiation. Even though he seemed happy, he broke my heart. I saw this little boy as I was leaving the radiologist office, after finding out that I would not need radiation therapy, and it was so upsetting to me that I was leaving there with good news and he was going in there for treatment. The next patient I saw was a forty-something year old man named Michael, who I met in the chemo therapy waiting room. He and I shared our situations, his worse than mine, and I just felt so sorry for him. He told mama and I how he was getting ready to start both chemo therapy and radiation and I knew all we could do was pray for him and pray for the doctors and nurses that were treating him. The third patient I saw seemed to strike me the most. She was a young girl, probably close to my age, who I saw in the lobby of the cancer hospital as I was leaving. I only saw her from a distance but that was enough. She was obviously going through treatments. She was pale, very thin, and wore a scarf to cover up her bare head, but I could tell that she was a beautiful girl. She was walking around so that gave me a sense of hope that she was having a good day and her energy was up, but she broke my heart. I have no idea of her name, her story, or her situation but I can’t get her image out of my mind. I felt like she was me, if my situation had not turned out as well as it had. I felt mixed emotions, thankful for how the Lord had healed me, but also saddened over what this girl is going through. No, I do not know her at all, but I can relate to her. Like myself, she was blindsided by cancer, her life was turned upside down, I’m sure the, “Why me?  I’m so young,” thought has run through her mind more times than she can count. God spoke to me through all three of these patients at UNC. He showed me the plan he has for my life, what I am meant to do. That is why I am now going back to school to be a nurse. I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a pediatric oncology nurse and work with other young people who are going through what I went through and what those three patients went through. Not only will I have the education to assist my future patients but I will be able to relate to them and know what they are going through. To me that would be comforting. If having cancer allows me to help others by sharing my story and being able to give them comfort, hope, and encouragement then it was all worth it. I am really drawn not only to oncology, but to pediatric oncology. Cancer is scary for all ages, but because of me having cancer at such a young age (and I can’t imagine having it even younger!), those children/adolescents battling this disease have such a special place in my heart! I am so excited to see where God is leading me!

I Am So Thankful...

8/13/12
       Today Mama and I came back to Chapel Hill to meet with my surgeon for my first 6 week check-up. Even though I have been feeling great I couldn’t help but feel extremely anxious. I felt like a toddler in the waiting room. I couldn’t sit still to save my life! I was so ready to meet with Dr. Weisler and get this over with. I hope these check-up appointments get easier with time, considering I have to come back to Chapel Hill every few weeks for the next year, but I’m not sure that will happen. Of course I prayed while in the waiting room, for God to give me a peace and to get a good report from my doctor, but my nerves were still torn up until I met with my surgeon. Thankfully Dr. Weisler checked my mouth and neck and said there were not any signs of the cancer returning. Once he gave me this encouraging news I felt like I was able to breathe again! He also said I was healing very well and that I had recovered enough to start speech therapy. Finally! He said that my speech would naturally improve with time but that speech therapy would speed up the process.  That made my day! Starting speech therapy is the next step in my recovery and I am so thankful that I am at that point. Today’s doctor visit went extremely well and all the praise and glory goes to God for taking such good care of me!

8/14/12
I hope a day never goes by that I forget to thank God for healing me from cancer.

Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about all that I have to be thankful for:
I am so thankful that I am laying here at home in my own bed instead of in a hospital bed in Chapel Hill.
I am so thankful that my biggest complaint is being frustrated with my speech.
I am so thankful that even though I still can’t do everything I want and I sit around bored most of the day, I’m NOT spending my day getting radiation and chemo treatments.
I am so thankful God was, and still is, by my side through this.
I am so thankful for Dr. Weisler. Not only did he do a great job on my surgery, but I feel like he really cares about his patients.
I am so thankful there were no signs that the cancer had returned and that I do not have to go back to Chapel Hill until October.

God you are so good!!!