Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Pray Through the Process

      To put it lightly, I have been a complete basket case the past month...since I found out the great news! I have been an emotional wreck! Obviously my life has been a complete whirlwind basically the past year, so of course I'm not going to be completely level headed right now. My mama also blames some of this issue on my changes in medications from treatment, which also makes sense. Anyway, point being, I've had quite a few of "those moments" lately. Moments where I feel down in the dumps, saddened that I can't go out and do the things I enjoy due to lack of energy, aggravated at my loss of appetite (YES, stillllll!) and change in tastes, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thankful the Lord chose to heal me. Nothing even compares! I remind myself of that when I'm having a little crying spirt. I'm just ready to feel like myself again...hyper, talkative, maybe annoying, on the go. I miss that, but I know if the Lord can heal me from cancer TWICE that giving me strength, energy, and an appetite will be a piece of cake. Everyone keeps saying it will all come in time. Well patience has never been my strong point so maybe this is just part of the learning experience. Thanks to all God has taught me along this journey I'm going to bounce back new and improved!
        I've also learned something else. You really never understand a person's situation until you are in their shoes. You may have had an aunt with breast cancer, a father with stomach cancer, a best friend with thyroid cancer, but until it is you, not just close to home, but actually YOU, you don't understand 100%. I've realized that even more as I've been trying to heal from radiation and chemotherapy. I know the majority of the time people mean well with their words or actions, but sometimes I'm just sensitive. People tend to hear "scans are clear" and think "Praise God! She's healed," but then forget that I still need prayer like I did before. People notice my weight loss. Yeah, I know I look bad. I don't want to be this thin, but I'm trying. I look at the number on the scale and I cry because I've just eaten a midnight snack and I've still lost more weight. I see on Facebook or hear from friend's about them going here or there and I become so jealous. I can't wait to even go to the mall again without having to be pushed in a wheelchair. I also can't wait to be able to stand up longer than a few minutes without feeling worn out. As crazy as this may sound, I miss getting ready...girl style. I used to hate the days where I would have to wake up first thing in the morning and fix my hair, put on makeup, and choose my outfit. Now I barely make time to brush my teeth, put on my wig, and slip on my yoga pants (that's basically all that fits right now), before leaving the house. All these things are silly in comparison to being healed, I am fully aware, but it doesn't stop me for longing for those days again soon! Recovering is truly a process and unless you yourself have been through it you don't understand the amount of strength, motivation, determination, courage, I could go on all day, that it takes. I don't know what dream world I was living in, but I thought I would make a complete turnaround a few weeks after completing treatments. Well treatments ended in May and I'm just now saying all this. I'm not giving up. I'll continue those midnight snacks. I also know that in time the Lord will renew my strength and I won't require twelve plus hours of sleep each night (believe me, it really does get old), and He will increase my energy, my appetite, and anything else that I could ever need. He's a God of endless resources and He wants nothing more than to take care of His children! We just have to believe it and ask!

"You don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it." -James 4:2

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31
THIS is God's promise to me...sums it all up!

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine." -Isaiah 43:1

"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up." -Psalm 71:20

1 comment:

  1. Hi Jenna, My name is Felicia, Amber McIntyer directed me to your blog after I was diagnosed with cancer in March. I have your blog in my favorites and I have checked on you daily. You have been such a inspiration to me during my battle with cancer. When I read your blog today it was like the words were coming out of my mouth. People have been so kind, loving and so good to me during my battle but until YOU go through it and YOU have to deal with the decisions and the side effects of treatments or what treatments may or may not do to you, it's a hard process. I figured out, this whole cancer thing isn't like having strep throat, taking your meds, sleeping for awhile and waking up feeling better in a few days. WOW! I had a really hard time with how long it was taking to feel even a little better. I like you was very active in my life. I am a dance instructor and studio owner and my life completely stopped after I was diagnosed. I had to figure out step by step how to restart it, and I couldn't figure out why it was taking me such a long time to feel better and why I couldn't be normal. I like you am still in the healing process and wake up everyday wanting to feel like Felicia again not Felicia with cancer. Praise God we are both cancer free and that we are Christian ladies with God on our side. I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I do know that it will take time and believe me in my eyes it seems like it has been FOREVER since I started this long cancer journey. God is so Good and I Praise him that he has healed us. I have been praying for you and will pray even harder for your strength and healing to continue. God is shining through you Jenna and he will continue to bless you. Thank you Jenna for being you and for sharing your story. I know I have wanted to talk to people who was going through what I was going through (even though I know all of our stories and battles are different) My husband says that people who have had cancer are now in a club because when you meet someone else who has gone through the emotions and feelings and terror like you have there is a life long connection there. I think he is right in a lot of ways. Please know that you are inspiring others and please continue to share as you heal!! May God Bless You!